male announcer: HERE'S ONE FOR YOU.
- DID YOU GET THE STUFF?
announcer: WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU TAKE A ROCKER
WHO BLOWS A CASKET...
A FAILED PRISON ESCAPE...
A ROOMMATE WHO GETS BUNKERED...
A "MANCER" WHO CAN'T BREATHE...
A COUPLE OF KOOKS BUILDING NUKES...
A MEDIEVAL LUG WHO GETS THE SQUEEZE...
AND A CONSTRUCTION WORKER BENT ON DESTRUCTION?
- AAH!
announcer: YOU GET THE NEXT EPISODE
OF 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.
DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.
MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.
OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY.
EVERY DAY, WE FIGHT A NEW WAR
AGAINST GERMS, TOXINS,
INJURY, ILLNESS,
AND CATASTROPHE.
THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS TO WIND UP DEAD.
THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL IS A MIRACLE.
BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE,
WE FACE 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.
FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS,
THE NIPS HAVE RULED THE JAPANESE ROCK WORLD.
A COMBINATION OF MUSICIANSHIP AND THEATRICS
HAVE KEPT THEM ON TOP.
BUT LATELY, EGO AND JEALOUSY
HAVE BEEN TEARING THEM APART.
WHAT WAS ONCE HEALTHY COMPETITIVENESS
HAS DETERIORATED TO FLAT-OUT HATRED.
THE PROBLEM WAS THE CONSTANT TENSION
BETWEEN TINAKA, THE LEAD SINGER,
AND BASHO, THE LEAD GUITAR PLAYER.
- IN-BAND FIGHTING IS ACTUALLY A FUNNY THING,
BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS SEE IT.
IT'S USUALLY A CASE WHERE,
YOU KNOW, YOU'VE GOT YOUR FRONT MAN,
AND THEN YOU'VE GOT, YOU KNOW,
SOME OTHER GUY IN THE BAND
THAT ALSO WANTS TO BE A FRONT MAN.
AND THEN THESE TWO GUYS
WOULD REALLY FIGHT FOR THAT CREATIVE CONTROL
AND FIGHT FOR THE FAME.
announcer: TODAY'S FIGHT WAS ABOUT TINAKA'S NEW PROP--
A COFFIN.
IT WOULD MAKE FOR A KILLER ENTRANCE...
FOR TINAKA.
BASHO WASN'T BUYING IT.
[speaking Japanese]
AS ALWAYS, TINAKA GOT HIS WAY.
THE NIPS' HOT STAGE HANDS
WHEELED OUT THE COFFIN WITH TINAKA INSIDE,
READY TO RISE FROM THE DEAD.
BUT BASHO SAW A CHANCE TO STEAL THE SPOTLIGHT,
AND LAUNCHED INTO THE LONGEST GUITAR SOLO
IN JAPANESE ROCK HISTORY.
- [coughing]
- TRAPPED INSIDE THE COFFIN,
TINAKA WAS HEADING FOR A FINALE
HE DID NOT SEE COMING.
BEFORE HE JUMPED IN,
TINAKA DECIDED TO UP THE THEATRICS
BY FILLING THE COFFIN WITH SMOKE
FROM DRY ICE CONTAINERS.
BAD IDEA.
DRY ICE GIVES OFF CARBON DIOXIDE.
IN THE CRAMPED QUARTERS OF THE COFFIN,
TINAKA WAS RAPIDLY RUNNING OUT OF OXYGEN.
WITHIN A MINUTE, HE WAS GASPING FOR AIR AND SUFFOCATING.
- WITHOUT THE PRESENCE OF OXYGEN,
IN A PURELY CARBON DIOXIDE ENVIRONMENT,
THE INDIVIDUAL WOULD BE UNABLE TO OBTAIN OXYGEN
FOR NORMAL BODY FUNCTION.
THIS LACK OF OXYGEN WOULD SHUT DOWN THE BODY'S ORGANS,
AND THEY WOULD DIE.
- [screams]
announcer: AFTER A THREE-MINUTE-LONG SOLO,
THERE WAS NO MORE OXYGEN
AND NO MORE TINAKA.
TINAKA WANTED TO MAKE A BIG ENTRANCE.
INSTEAD, HE MADE AN EXIT...
TO DIE FOR.
SAYONARA, TINAKA-SAN.
IF YOU STROLLED DOWN CELL BLOCK "D"
OF THIS NOTORIOUS PRISON IN THE 1930s,
YOU WOULD PASS THE TEMPORARY HOME
OF FLOYD O'MALLEY,
A LOW-LEVEL CHICAGO HIT MAN.
- MICKEY.
announcer: FLOYD KNEW HIS WAY AROUND A DECK OF CARDS.
- YEAH?
- DID YOU GET THE STUFF?
- YOU DIDN'T GET 'EM FROM ME.
announcer: BUT HE WASN'T THINKING ABOUT POKER.
FLOYD KNEW THAT PLAYING CARDS
WERE COATED WITH NITROCELLULOSE,
A REACTIVE PLASTIC THAT, WHEN MIXED WITH WATER,
PRODUCES THE HIGHLY VOLATILE NITRIC ACID.
IN OTHER WORDS, HE COULD TURN A SIMPLE DECK OF CARDS
INTO A BOMB.
HE TOOK A HOLLOW BED LEG,
STUFFED IT FULL OF TORN UP CARDS,
AND FILLED IT WITH WATER.
THE HOMEMADE BOMB WAS PRIMED
AND PLACED ON A SPACE HEATER
SITUATED RIGHT NEXT TO THE WALL.
AS SOON AS THE WATER AND CARD MIXTURE HEATED UP,
THE ENSUING CHEMICAL REACTION
WOULD BLOW OPEN A HOLE TO FREEDOM.
BUT NOTHING HAPPENED.
DID HE FORGET SOMETHING?
FLOYD CHECKED THE DEVICE.
THAT'S WHEN HIS ESCAPE PLAN
BLEW UP IN HIS FACE.
WHEN FLOYD PICKED UP HIS CRUDE CARD BOMB,
HE GAVE IT THE FINAL STIR IT NEEDED
TO PROPERLY MIX...
AND DETONATE.
- IN THIS SITUATION,
WE HAVE SHRAPNEL FROM THE METAL OF THE PIPE BOMB
THAT'S GONNA BE EMBEDDED INTO HIS SKULL AND HIS BRAIN.
WE ALSO HAVE THE SHRAPNEL FROM THE PLAYING CARDS
THAT ARE GONNA DO A LOT OF TISSUE DAMAGE THEMSELVES,
EMBEDDING PIECES WITHIN THE CHEST AND THE HEAD,
THAT'S GONNA BE SOMEWHAT LIKE A MULTIPLE GUNSHOT WOUND.
- DID YOU GET THE STUFF?
announcer: IF FLOYD'S PLAN HAD WORKED,
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN AN ESCAPE FOR THE AGES.
BUT IT JUST WASN'T IN THE CARDS.
COMING UP, A NERD LOSES HIS VIRGINITY
AND HIS ROOMMATE.
AND IF THE CORSET DON'T FIT, HE MUST ACQUIT.
[breathes heavily]
announcer: RAVI WAS A NERD WITH THE HIGHEST GPA
IN THE HISTORY OF HIS STATE UNIVERSITY...
AND THE WORST SOCIAL LIFE.
HIS ROOMMATE, TYLER, ON THE OTHER HAND...
- THE FIELD GOAL IS GOOD!
announcer: WAS A STAR FOOTBALL PLAYER
WHO GOT MORE TAIL THAN A TOILET SEAT.
- OH.
announcer: WHILE TYLER GOT HIS ROCKS OFF,
RAVI WAS A BANNED TO A PLACE CALLED "SEXILE."
- BEING SEXILED IS WHEN YOUR ROOMMATE,
UH, LEAVES YOU STRANDED FROM YOUR DORM OR YOUR APARTMENT
UH, IN THE HALLWAY,
BECAUSE THEY'RE DOING THE NASTY.
I'VE HAD TO SLEEP IN SOME RIDICULOUS PLACES.
PROBABLY THE WORST WAS THE GROUP SHOWER
IN THE DORMITORY.
IT'S NOT COMFORTABLE.
- AH.
announcer: EVEN IF MEEK AND MILD RAVI
WAS RIGHT ABOVE,
TYLER KEPT CALLING OUT AUDIBLES TO HIS "COEDIBLES."
- OH. OH.
BLUE 52!
HUT! HUT!
announcer: AND THEN IT HAPPENED.
- UM...
- SO I GUESS I'LL SEE YOU IN CLASS TOMORROW.
announcer: IT WAS RAVI'S TURN TO GET HIS SOCK ON.
- HEY, HEY, HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?
- THERE'S A SOCK ON THE DOOR.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- YOU WANT TO GO A SECOND ROUND,
LET ME KNOW, OKAY?
announcer: RAVI WAS NOT ABOUT TO FAIL THIS TEST.
HE WENT RIGHT ON POUNDING HER...
BOOKS, UNTIL...
- HEY, BABE.
I GOT A NICE, BIG PIECE OF CHALK DOWN HERE
WHENEVER YOU'RE DONE.
- OH, MY GOD.
OH! OH!
- THE WEIGHT OF THE BED
AND THE CORRECT ANGLE ONTO THE INDIVIDUAL'S NASAL BONE
'CAUSED THE BONES TO BE PUSHED BACK
INTO THE CRIBRIFORM PLATE,
PIERCING IT, AND PIERCING THE BRAIN TISSUE UNDERNEATH,
'CAUSING BLEEDING WITHIN THE BRAIN,
AND CAUSING HIM TO DIE.
announcer: TYLER WAS A SOCK BLOCKER
WHO BANNED HIS ROOMIE TO THE HALLWAY,
BUT THEN RAVI GOT SOME FUNK IN HIS BUNK.
- HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?
announcer: AND TYLER WOUND UP...
BOTTOMED OUT.
DO YOU FEEL LIKE WE DO HERE ON 1,000 WAYS TO DIE?
BALLROOM DANCING IS FOR GIRLY MEN.
THAT'S WHY WE'RE DELIGHTED
TO HAVE THIS QUIFF IN OUR DEATH SCOPE.
HIS NAME IS ESTEBAN, AND HE'S A TOTAL DOUGHNUT HOLE.
AND THAT'S HIS PROBLEM.
THE ONCE SVELTE "MANCER" EATS MORE D-NUTS
THAN A WHOLE SQUAD OF COPS.
TO KEEP UP APPEARANCES,
THE VAIN "HOOFSTER" RESORTED TO SUCKING IT IN
WITH A CORSET.
- THE HISTORY THAT WE KNOW THE MOST ABOUT THE CORSET
IS FROM 1820 TO 1910,
BUT WE BELIEVE THAT IT'S BEEN AROUND FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS,
UM, TO STRUCTURE THE SHAPE OF A WOMAN'S BODY.
AS FAR AS MEN WEARING CORSETS,
IT IS NOT AS COMMON, UH, BACK THEN AS IT IS NOW.
THERE ARE DEFINITELY MORE,
BUT, UH, WE DON'T GET A LOT OF PEOPLE COMING IN,
TRYING ON CORSETS.
announcer: THE TIGHT LACING
TURNED THE NORMALLY UPTIGHT ESTEBAN
INTO A MACHISMO MONSTER.
- HEEL, HEEL.
GO.
RELAX!
announcer: HIS POOR PARTNER, YOLANDA,
BORE THE BRUNT OF HIS HISSY FIT TIRADES.
- WHAT YOU DOING, YOLANDA?
YOU CAN DO NOTHING!
- IT'S NOT ME. IT'S YOU!
- I'M THE CHAMPION.
- YOU MAKE ME SICK.
announcer: FINALLY, SHE HAD ENOUGH.
- I'VE HAD IT.
announcer: HOW DARE SHE WALK OUT
ON THE ONCE GREAT ESTEBAN.
HE WAS SPEECHLESS.
AND NOT BECAUSE HE WAS AT A LOSS FOR WORDS.
HE COULDN'T BREATHE.
HIS TOO-TIGHT CORSET
WAS PREVENTING HIS RIBS AND DIAPHRAGM FROM EXPANDING.
HIS LUNGS STRUGGLED FOR OXYGEN.
IT DOESN'T TAKE A BRAIN SURGEON
TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN A BLOWHARD LIKE ESTEBAN RUNS OUT OF AIR.
HE DIES!
- IN THIS CASE, HE'S COMPRESSING HIS LUNGS,
AND THE PRESSURE FROM THE CORSET AGAINST HIS RIBS
CREATED A FRACTURE.
THE RIB THEN BROKE, AND, BEING CURVED,
IT WENT INWARD,
AND, UNFORTUNATELY,
IT WAS IN THE RIGHT POSITION TO PUNCTURE HIS HEART.
AND THIS CAUSED, UH, MASSIVE INTERNAL BLEEDING,
AND, UH, CARDIAC ARREST.
announcer: ESTEBAN WAS AN EGOTISTICAL,
PEAR-SHAPED, TWO-STEPPING PRICK.
- YOU CAN DO NOTHING!
- IT'S NOT ME.
announcer: DOES IT MAKE US HAPPY ON 1,000 WAYS TO DIE
WHEN A JERK LIKE THIS BITES IT?
OF...CORSET...DOES.
UP NEXT, IT'S NO NUKES FOR THESE MOOKS.
AND A LAZY BASTARD
FALLS DOWN ON THE JOB.
- AAH!
announcer: ONE OF THE WORLD'S GREATEST FEARS
IS THAT A GROUP OF FANATIC TERRORISTS
WILL BUILD THE ULTIMATE WEAPON
AND HOLD THE WORLD HOSTAGE.
SOMAD AND SIRAKI
WERE LOOKING TO MAKE A NAME FOR THEMSELVES
ON THE GLOBAL TERRORIST CIRCUIT.
THE BAD NEWS WAS
THEY HAD COME UP WITH ENOUGH FISSIONABLE MATERIAL
TO BUILD A SMALL NUKE.
THE GOOD NEWS...
- ¶ I LIKE IT ¶
announcer: THESE GUYS WERE MORE OF A THREAT TO THEMSELVES
THAN THEY WERE TO THE REST OF THE WORLD.
- SOMAD.
announcer: TODAY SOMAD AND SIRAKI
WERE TESTING THE PLUTONIUM CORE.
WHAT THEY DIDN'T KNOW WAS THAT THIS TEST
WAS NICKNAMED "THE DEMON CORE,"
BECAUSE IT HAD KILLED SEVERAL SCIENTISTS
THAT ATTEMPTED IT 60 YEARS EARLIER.
THE DEMON CORE EXPERIMENT IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.
YOU SURROUND THE PLUTONIUM CORE
WITH TUNGSTEN CARBIDE BRICKS
TO REFLECT NEUTRONS.
THIS MAKES THE CORE MORE REACTIVE.
IF THE BRICKS TOUCH THE CORE,
IT CAN GO CRITICAL,
WHICH MEANS A BLAST OF HARMFUL RADIATION
GETS RELEASED INTO THE ATMOSPHERE.
JUST AS SOMAD WAS SETTING THE LAST TUNGSTEN BRICK IN PLACE,
THE CAMEL BURGER HE ATE FOR LUNCH
CAME BACK TO HAUNT HIM.
- [belches]
- OH!
[devices beeping]
announcer: A BURP CAUSED HIM TO FUMBLE THE BRICK.
THE BRICK MADE BRIEF CONTACT WITH THE CORE.
A BLUE FLASH EXPOSED SOMAD AND SIRAKI
TO AS MUCH RADIATION
AS ANYONE STANDING WITHIN A MILE OF GROUND ZERO
AT NAGASAKI.
THE CONTAMINATION WAS SO GREAT
THEY NEVER MADE IT OUT OF THE LAB.
WITHIN A FEW HOURS, THEY WERE OVERCOME WITH NAUSEA.
SOON AFTER THAT, THEY WERE BEDRIDDEN WITH EXTREME FATIGUE.
AND THEIR MUSCLES HAD ATROPHIED.
THE CELLS IN THEIR SKIN WERE DYING,
AND WITHIN 48 HOURS,
THE WANNABE TERRORISTS WERE DEAD.
- LARGE RADIATION EXPOSURE SUCH AS THIS
DAMAGES THE IMMUNE SYSTEM,
AND IT CANNOT PRODUCE WHITE BLOOD CELLS.
THIS RENDERS THE IMMUNE SYSTEM USELESS.
THE PATIENT IS THEN SUSCEPTIBLE
TO A NUMBER OF PATHOGENS.
IN THIS CASE, THE PATIENTS DEVELOPED BACTERIAL PNEUMONIA.
THE LUNGS EVENTUALLY FILLED WITH LARGE AMOUNT OF SECRETIONS,
AND THEY ESSENTIALLY ASPHYXIATED.
announcer: NUCLEAR TERRORISM IS NO JOKE,
BUT LITTLE DID SOMAD AND SIRAKI KNOW
THEY WERE JUST ONE BURP AWAY
FROM BECOMING WEAPONS OF GAS DESTRUCTION.
[devices beep]
[belch]
- HEY, CHUCK! LOWER THAT ROPE DOWN.
announcer: MIKE WAS THE GOOD-FOR-NOTHING SON
IN SMITH AND SON CONSTRUCTION.
- I GOT A BRILLIANT IDEA.
announcer: WHEN HE WASN'T ANNOYING
EVERYONE HE WORKED WITH...
HE WAS RAISING HIS LEVEL OF LAZINESS TO NEW HEIGHTS.
- ALL RIGHT, BRING ME UP. - ARE YOU NUTS?
announcer: MIKE'S LATEST JACK-OFF MOVE...
- PULL ME UP, CHUCK!
announcer: HIJACKING THE COUNTERWEIGHT SYSTEM
USED TO HOIST TOOLS
AND USING IT FOR HIS OWN PERSONAL ELEVATOR.
- ACCORDING TO NEWTONIAN MECHANICS,
BASICALLY IF YOU HAVE A PULLEY AND YOU HAVE TWO MASSES
HANGING FROM TWO ENDS,
AS THE PERSON STARTS MOVING UP,
THE SUM OF THE FORCES IS NO LONGER ZERO.
THAT MEANS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PULLEY IS EXERTING FORCE,
SO IT'S GOING DOWN.
- COME ON. HURRY UP.
- I'M TIRED OF DOING ALL THE HARD WORK HERE.
announcer: BUT JUST AS MIKE WAS ABOUT TO REACH THE TOP...
- COME ON, MIKE. - COME ON.
- YOU'RE ALMOST THERE, PAL.
- AAH!
- OH, GOD! OH!
announcer: THE COUNTERWEIGHT WASN'T DESIGNED
TO CARRY A LOAD LIKE MIKE.
MIKE'S WEIGHT PLUS THE WEIGHT OF THE BUCKET
WAS TOO MUCH FOR THE TENSILE STRENGTH OF THE ROPE.
- THE CONSTRUCTION WORKER PROBABLY EXPERIENCED
A NUMBER OF INJURIES,
SUCH AS, UH, RIB FRACTURES,
FEMUR, AND FIBULAR FRACTURES.
FRACTURED PELVIS AS WELL.
BUT THE LETHAL INJURY WAS MOST LIKELY
DUE TO A SIGNIFICANT BRAIN HEMORRHAGE.
announcer: MIKE WAS THE BOSS' SON,
WHO NEVER PUT IN AN HONEST DAY OF WORK IN HIS LIFE.
[knocking]
- LITTLE BUSY IN HERE. WORKING.
announcer: BUT DON'T WORRY.
- ALL RIGHT. BRING ME UP.
- ARE YOU NUTS?
announcer: BECAUSE MIKE WILL NEVER
HAVE TO LIFT A FINGER AGAIN.
- UGH! announcer: EX-SQUEEZE ME.
IT'S ANOTHER ONE OF OUR FAVORITE MEDIEVAL TORTURES.
COMING UP NEXT.
announcer: AS THE 16TH CENTURY WAS COMING TO A CLOSE,
BUSINESS WAS BOOMING
AT THE TOWER OF LONDON'S TORTURE CHAMBER.
AND IF MEDIEVAL MUTILATION HAD A POSTER BOY,
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SIR WILLIAM SKEVINGTON.
HE WAS THE TORTURER IN CHIEF FOR KING HENRY VIII.
HIS SPECIALTY WAS THE RACK.
- THE RACK WAS BUILT TO STRETCH SOMEONE,
AND THE JOINTS OF THE LEGS, THE ELBOWS,
THE ARMS, THE WRISTS, WOULD ALL BE PULLED APART.
YOUR BODY WOULD ACTUALLY BE RIPPED LIMB FROM LIMB, PER SE.
announcer: TODAY, SKEVINGTON HAD A NEW CUSTOMER--
A COLD-BLOODED MURDER AND TRAITOR TO THE KING.
THOMAS WAS SENTENCED TO DEATH.
THE ONLY PROBLEM-- THOMAS WAS 6'9",
AND THE RACK WAS COMING UP SHORT.
- [laughs]
SCAVENGER, I THINK YOU GOT ME IN THE CHILD'S SIZE.
[laughs]
announcer: SKEVINGTON, WHO WAS NICKNAMED "SCAVENGER"
BY THE LOWLIFE SCUM HE TORTURED,
WAS NOTHING IF NOT RESOURCEFUL.
- [laughs]
announcer: HE FIGURED, "IF YOU CAN'T STRETCH 'EM,
SQUEEZE 'EM."
AND SO WAS BORN THE SCAVENGER'S DAUGHTER.
- YEAH, THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE SCAVENGER'S DAUGHTER
AND THE RACK-- THE RACK, AS I HAVE SAID,
WAS USED TO PULL SOMEONE APART.
THE SCAVENGER'S DAUGHTER WOULD BE COMPRESSING SOMEONE.
THIS WAS A TORTURE DEVICE WITH TWO LARGE ARMS
THAT WOULD FORCE SOMEONE IN THE FETAL POSITION.
AS THIS DEVICE WAS TIGHTENED,
IT WOULD CAUSE THEIR BACK TO BREAK,
THEIR ARMS TO BREAK, THEIR LEGS TO BREAK.
IT WOULD 'CAUSE THEM TO HEMORRHAGE INTERNALLY.
NOW, AS THEY WERE HEMORRHAGING,
BLOOD WOULD COME OUT OF THEIR NOSE,
THEIR NOSTRILS, THEIR MOUTH, AND THEIR EARS,
CRUSHING THEM AND KILLING THEM IN THAT FASHION.
- [groaning]
announcer: AS THE STEEL PRESSED DOWN ON THOMAS,
HIS RIB CAGE CRACKED
AND BONES DISLOCATED.
HIS LUNGS COMPRESSED
AS BLOOD SQUIRTED FROM EVERY ORIFICE OF HIS BODY.
IT WAS LIKE SQUEEZING A WET SPONGE DRY.
- AAH!
announcer: AND THEN THOMAS DIED.
THOMAS WAS TOO BIG FOR THE RACK.
- I THINK YOU GOT ME IN THE CHILD'S SIZE.
announcer: BUT HE MET HIS MATCH WHEN HE HOOKED UP
WITH A NASTY LITTLE WENCH...
CALLED THE SCAVENGER'S DAUGHTER.